Two Point Hospital A list of all illnesses with useful information

A list of all illnesses with useful information!

Illnesses (1)

8-bitten
First Seen: Duckworth-upon-Brilge
Base Price: $11000
Cured At: Resolution Lab
Cured By: Doctor

Sufferes exhibit dangerously low levels of pixel density and an unhealthy longing for the recent past. Caused by bytes from low-res spiders.

Animal Magnetism
First Seen: Flemington
Base Price: $12000
Cured At: Pest Control
Cured By: Nurse

Caused by mutated pheromones and/or cheap deodorant.

Bed Face
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $5000
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

A quite alarming contortion of the face, caused by sleeping at a strange angle. Doctors recommend always using a bed protractor to monitor your sleeping angles.

Boggled Mind
First Seen: Flottering
Base Price: $7000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

A severe boggling of the mind. Often caused by exposure to new, sometimes paradigm-altering information.

Bogwarts
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

A rather disgusting skin condition caused by filthy toilets. It can be cured with an expensive cocktail of drugs carefully prepared in the Pharmacy. Or with witchcraft.

Broken Face
First Seen: Tumble
Base Price: $8000
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

A condition that renders the face defective. Notable causes include: daydreaming, faulty radishes and high-velocity cricket balls

Clamp
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Really gets a hold of you.

Cubism
First Seen: Grockle Bay
Base Price: $12000
Cured At: Recurvery Room
Cured By: Doctor

Cross Bones
First Seen: Flemington
Base Price: $10800
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Skeletal rage, sometimes triggered by piracy.

Decision Rash
First Seen: Mitton University
Base Price: $7000
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

An unpleasant rash triggered when the sufferer is forced to make a decision too quickly.

Denim Genes
First Seen: Melt Downs
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By: Doctor

Skin has the appearance of denim. Causes a great deal of irritation, mainly due to the time it takes to dry after a shower. Believed to be caused by Bungle’s genetically-engineered jeans, which have since been recalled

Emperor Complex
First Seen: Melt Downs
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

Patients believe they are clothed. They are in for a nude awakening.

Floppy Discs
First Seen: Smogley
Base Price: $21000
Cured At: Surgery
Cured By: Doctor & Nurse

A spinal discombobulation that leaves the sufferer with very limited memory.

Flumps
First Seen: Melt Downs
Base Price: $11000
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By: Doctor

A most unfortunate genetic condition. Although the flumps can be removed, they frequently grow back. Genetic recombobulation is usually the only option

Freudian Lips
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

A tendency to pout excessively when faced with a camera. Caused by a build up of lewd thoughts in the cerebral cortex. A psychiatrist must use a subconscious tap to drain the excess thoughts into a beaker, after which they can be safely disposed of in an incinerator

Grey Anatomy
First Seen: Mitton University
Base Price: $12000
Cured At: Chromatherapy
Cured By: Nurse

Grout
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Gurning Loins
First Seen: Smogley
Base Price: $24000
Cured At: Surgery
Cured By: Doctor & Nurse

A quite unfortunate condition that has to be seen to be believed. But also cannot be unseen. Just don’t look at it. Trust me.

Heart Throb
First Seen: Duckworth-upon-Bilge
Base Price: $23000
Cured At: Surgery
Cured By: Doctor & Nurse

Painfully attractive. Often leads to heart ache. Requires surgery to make the sufferer as repulsive as possible.

Humerus Injury
First Seen: Tumble
Base Price: $5400
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Patients are really not amused by this injury of the upper arm.

Hurty Leg
First Seen: Tumble
Base Price: $7000
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Caused by excessive physical activity.

Inflated Ego
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

A dangerous build up of narcissistic thoughts. If left untreated, parts of the ego begin to protrude from every orifice, which is highly unpleasant for anyone nearby. A psychiatrist must carefully deflate the ego using a massive pin.

Jazz Hand
First Seen: Tumble
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

A hand injury caused by too much enthusiastic thumb clicking, hand waving and skin burns resulting from prolonged exposure to acid jazz.

Jest Infection
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: Clown Clinic
Cured By: Nurse

A personality disorder causing high jinks and general buffoonery. Escaped clowns must have their sense-of-humour completely excised to prevent a future relapse.

Jumbo DNA
First Seen: Melt Downs
Base Price: $13000
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By: Doctor

This condition can be traced back to the DNA Labs of Jumbo Mega Corp. Attempting to create a clone of himself that was twise as big, boss Jumbo McNally inadvertently ended up creating hundreds of people with extra large DNA molecules squeezed into normal-sized bodies.

Lazy Bones
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Skeletal fatigue caused by a lack of calcium in the diet. Upon diagnosis, the patient should be immediately rushed to a ward where they must sleep for several days whilst being fed milk and cookies by a nurse

Leopard Skin
First Seen: Duckworth-upon-Blige
Base Price: $12000
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By:Doctor

A skin abnormality that has become quite fashionable in recent years. This mutation originated in the labs at Grockle Bay Zoo, after a scientist attempted to create a human-cat hybrid, the same incident that led to the related condition, Lion Head.

Light Headed
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: De-Lux Clinic
Cured By: Doctor

Patient’s head has transformed into a light-bulb.

Litter Bug
First Seen: Flemington
Base Price: $8400
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

A bacterial infection that causes the sufferer to discard items at random.

Lycanthrophy
First Seen: Flottering
Base Price: $8000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Once thought to be extinct, lycanthrophy is making a comeback in dangerous forests across the land. Sufferers get it from direct exposure to light from the full moon, or possibly from door handles. Research is still ongoing to discover which.

Mime Crisis
First Seen: Flottering
Base Price: $7000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

A psychiatric condition that causes the sufferer to perceive things that don’t exist, usually boxes within which they are trapped. Some scientists have speculated that the box may both exist and not exist, leading to the well known thought experiment, Schrodinger’s Mime.

Misery Guts
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $7000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Chronic grumpiness due to a nihilistic semi-colon.

Mock Star
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $5000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

Patients believe themselves to be one of the greatest rockstars the world has ever seen, but are sadly ga ga.

Monobrow
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $8000
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Extreme hair growth, caused by excessive consumption of both highbrow and lowbrow entertainment. The monobrow must be carefully.

Illnesses (2)

Mood Poisoning
First Seen: Flottering
Base Price: $4000
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

A dangerous condition that cuases the suffere’s ealth to deteriorate fast. Caused by paying too much attention to what other people think.

Mucky Feet
First Seen: Flottering
Base Price: $9000
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Feet so grubby that the filth will never come out. Spreads germs like wildfire.

Night Fever
First Seen: Mitton University
Base Price: $6000
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

A psychatric condition leading to spontaneous outbreaks of dancing. Caused by prolonged exposure to mirrorballs.

Pandemic
First Seen: Hogsport
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: Pans Lab
Cured By: Doctor

Involuntary attachment to kitchen utensils, caused by extremly low levels of culinary skill. The pan must be removed carefully with a massive magnet.

Pipe Organ
First Seen: Smogley
Base Price: $22000
Cured At: Surgery
Cured By: Doctor & Nurse

The internal organs are arranged in such a way that they create dramatic music when the sufferer walks. Requires surgery to rearrange the organs.

Portishead
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $7500
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Portishead affects both body and mind. Once thought to be caused by proximity to sea air, it’s now know to be chiefly caused by living in Portishead.

Potty Mouth
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $8000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

When the patient opens their mouth, terribly things happen. Caused by drinking water from a toilet sink. Or a toilet.

Premature Mummification
First Seen: Sweaty Palms
Base Price: $12000
Cured At: Cryptology
Cured By: Nurse

The afficted have been wrapped for the afterlife by thier families, but were only takig a nap.There are rituals, and the intial stages of embalming, to be undone.

Pudding Blood
First Seen: Melt Downs
Base Price: $9000
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

A skin condition caused b dessert escaping intothe blood stream. An anti-pudding gelmust be injected into the patient.

Rock Bottom
First Seen: Mitton University
Base Price: $5000
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

Petrification of the backside, making it appear weathered and grey. Caused by low quality chairs.

Shattered
First Seen: Flemington
Base Price: $12000
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Symptoms include exhaustion, aching, and sometimes all-consuming agony. the cause is unknown, but in 99% of document cases it occurrs shortly after falling of a cliff.

Shock Horror
First Seen: Melt Downs
Base Price: $11000
Cured At: Shock Clinic
Cured By: Doctor

This is what happens ifyou simultaneously put a knife in a toaster and a fork in a power socket.

Spinal Bap
First Seen: Smogley
Base Price: $20000
Cured At: Surgery
Cured By: Doctor & Nurse

Requires surgery in an Operating Theatre.

Spontaneous Combustion
First Seen: Grockie Bay
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

The sufferer has a tendency to, without prior warning or reasonable context, break into fits of rage, causing colleagues, passersby and loved ones to cry and/or soil themselves.

Touch of Midas
First Seen: Grockie Bay
Base Price: $10000
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By: Doctor

A genetic condition leading to metallic skin. The mutation has been traced back to the notorious Dr Midas of The Orb Foundation.

Turtle Head
First Seen: Smogley
Base Price: $11000
Cured At: Head Office
Cured By: Doctor

If you suffer from Turtle Head, let us ease your worries and noggin’ gently out of your body.

Verbal Diarrhoea
First Seen: Lower Bullocks
Base Price: $5000
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

The disease people can’t stop talking about, Verbal Diarrhoea spreads fast can be heard for miles.

Bigfoot DLC Illnesses

Anomalitis
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Every noew and then something unusual happens and we’re not sure why. Luckily enough, this vague and mysterious condition can be treated in a Ward. Still, what are chances?…

Bard Flu
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

Sufferes begin using typically Elizabethan language incorrectly and out of context, as well as adopting certain physical anachronisms. Caused by goose fat-stuffed trousers, rotten fruit and being pursued by bears.

Barking Mad
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Doghouse
Cured By: Nurse

Sufferes are convinced that they’re canine. Common causes include trying dog biscuits and the slipperly slope of going to the bathroom outside.

Basic
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Caused by a low-acid diet that leads to simplistic and derivative behaviour. A popular treatment involves a mixture of lemon juice and chemicals that promote indiviuality.

Bloatly Dread
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

The overburdened psyche must be burst and then reconstituted using very clever therapy.

Boneless Thighs
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

The upper leg has become soft and gelatinous. The bones need to be regrown and set in a Fracture Ward.

Brain Freeze
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

A cpmdotopm cjaracterosed ny föasjnacls amd oce crea, -headaches, often caused by bad experiences with yellow snow. Once a psychiatrist has tricked them into forgetting the memories forever, everything will be alright.

Could Shoulder
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Dead Arm
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

The patient’s arm requires restructing and resuscitationn in a Fracture Ward.

Eye Candy
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

The eye has begun to secrete a hard, sugary substance. Caused by lookig at the visually appealig and eating too much fudge.

Face Plant
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Pharmacy
Cured By: Nurse

Recurring collisions with the ground have caused microscopic moss to grow on the peson’s face.

Half Pipe
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By: Doctor

Tests to a sufferer of this condition reveal that they’re genetically half human and half pipe, but, ther than that, there are no signs of the potentially fatal illness. In fact, the lack of symptoms led to ground-breaking research wich found that humans and pipes are actually 99,1% genetically identical. Caused by unstuck landings and misguided attempts at plumbing.

Inverted 1080
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

Parts of the body are facing the wrong way, at 90, and in some cases 180, degrees to their usual position. Caused by a failed attempt to rotate in the air whilst on a snowboard, thus inverting the body’s 1080.

Knightmares
First Seen: Roquefort Castle
Base Price: –
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

Sufferes seek solace form thier bad dreams, and the proble,s that have caused them, in chiainmail, gauntlets and outrageously loud shoes. They must be coaxed out of thier tin suit of denial, even if it is suprisingly slimming.

MenaceElbow
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Fracture Ward
Cured By: Nurse

The elbow has shattered like a broken mirror, how sinister.

Mechanical Metropolism
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Urban Mythology
Cured By: Nurse

A condition most commonin the outskirts of Two Point County. Believed to stem form a longing for a life in ‘the big city’, sufferes act out, what they naively belive to be, a typical city lifestyle. Metropolism manifests itself in two main strains, this is it ‘Mechanical’ form.

Monster Mishmash
First Seen: Roquefort Castle
Base Price: –
Cured At: Reanimation
Cured By: Doctor

Sufferes are likely to be groan-ier than usual,unresponsive and temporarily, up to 8ft tall. Several cured patients have noted that, while afflicted, they felt as though parts of their body weren’t their own. Caused by watching old horror films, Gothic literature and identity crises.

Paranoyance
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Psychiatry
Cured By: Doctor

Sufferes believe that they’re being bothered by spirits from the wolrd ofdead, and it’s really getting on their nerves. A psychiatrist conducts an advanced form of realtionship counselling so that the spirits and the patient are able to get on better.

Rantlers
First Seen: Roquefort Castle
Base Price: –
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

An ancient afliciton said to come from small pieces of antler getting into the water supply. Sufferes display bouts of rage, sometimes butting heads, but more commonly just complain and shout a lot.

Repitilian Metropolism
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Urban Mythology
Cured By: Nurse

A condition most common in the outskirts of Two Point County. Believed to stem form a longing for a life in ‘the big city’, sufferes act out, what they naively bellieve to be, a typical city lifestyle. Metropolism maifests itself in two main strains, this is its ‘Repitilian’ form.

Sore Judgement
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

A condition at on time known as “The Snowball Effect”. An itial bad decision has harmed the sufferer#s judgement, leading to worse decisions that cause increasingly significant damage. The sufferer’s judgemant needs rehabilitation and recuperation in a hospital bed to avoid ‘Snowballing’ any further.

Sweet Teeth
First Seen: Underlook Hotel
Base Price: –
Cured At: Phamacy
Cured By: Nurse

A condition characterised by teeth that are partially constituted of nougat. Sufferers must be given the most powerful mouth-wash in the world

Tartan Telomeres
First Seen: Roquefort Castle
Base Price: –
Cured At: DNA Lab
Cured By: Doctor

A condition that stays dormant for years before surfacing, and often never surfaces at all. This ancient gene, most commonly found in people from around the Pointy Mountains, causes the, now patterned, skin to take on a woollen texture.

Thin Skinned
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Injection Room
Cured By: Nurse

Caused by eposure to bad news and icy winds, sufferers, who exhibit increased sensitivity to the cold, as well as occasional leaking, need a skin-fortifying injection, and to be told something nice about themselves

Tongue Splinters
First Seen: Swelbard
Base Price: –
Cured At: Ward
Cured By: Nurse

It’s clear how this happened. Patients require treatment in a Ward

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